fuck you too, whatever man i got new shoes

i don’t think I’ve posted on here in awhile. honestly i don’t remember who is even following me on this personal blog. its nice to have a small amount of random people following this though. i feel like talking so maybe ill say a few things. a. i saw the rough cut of the film I’m working on and I’m pretty okay with it. b. every boy so far in my life that I’ve fallen for has found a way to make me sad in some deep twisted way c. i always want what i can’t have. i don’t know i mean arstially my lifes been lagging and love wise shits whack. i don’t even wanna talk about my love life it makes me depressed. ugh off to watch sofia films~ or maybe the royal tenenabums i haven’t seeen that in forever.

monday - sick and do nothing relax  DONE

tuesday - meet with max and discuss film

wednesday -  empty 

thurs - meet with tanvi at 6

friday - see if anyone wants to go downtown to take photos with a car colin or syd or someone

sat - see alex mack hopefully

sunday - see if shreya or amanda can meet to talk about shoot with katy

everyday - run a mile

the fact i deal with always feeling fat. its due to that nobody loves me. i always feel I’m too fat for gay people or bi people. I’m never going to be perfect. so I’ve made a decision. I’m sick of this epic bullshit. I’m not gonna eat that shit anymore. I’m just not going to. this is dumb. i can’t keep on feeling depressed and sad and mope. I’m going to make a change so the world can love me. I’m gonna eat less. deal with the pain and try my best every step of the way. i don’t need carbs, i don’t need sweets. fuck eating that way. get over it matthew and eat a salad. you lost 65 pounds time to loose more. do a mile a day and see what it does. drink loads of water and read vogues. then busy yourself by shooting more photos instead of coming home after school and laying around. make your life something. become that cold hearted bitch that everyone in your life has shaped you to be. surrender everything and earn depression from becoming something your not. not from feeling fat. oh god i sound so stupid. all i want to do is be loved oh god i sound so fuckign stupid. whatever. tomorrow I’m having what i usually have and I’m gonna run one mile a day. eat less. i can do it . I’m smiling i can do it. i can finically be what i wanna be. i will ask my friends to shoot with my after school tomorrow to do more care photos. i can do this. i can do this.

i suppose i’m about to fall in a rut again. i’m feeling sick, I’m getting fat again and the things are not looking up. its getting harder to do art and create photoshoots due to not having enough cooperative people and not having positive people who believe in me to model or help me do my vision. i just want to loose weight again and create art like i usually do. i feel like college apps are attacking me and their coming back to haunt me soon. i have to do my parsons challenge and my minds in over load. i just need to clear it. i don’t think i will be doing the musical. i have more important things to sort out in my life.